I grew up in the church, and I loved my church. I love(d) Jesus. I could never imagine a world where faith didn’t make sense.
Sitting in a mixed ages Sunday school as a tween, I remember watching an older teen ask question after question to the teacher. His questions were SO doubtful of faith, Jesus, the Bible, church, and Christianity. I sat there, thinking, “How does faith NOT make sense to him?”
I didn’t have any doubts.
Jesus loved me this I know.
My family switched churches, and I went from a Southern Baptist church to a giant Nondenominational Evangelical church with roots in the Missionary church.
I loved both of these church communities. I was an avid follower and learner of the teachings, and youth group was absolutely the highlight of the week for me.
Jesus made sense to me. Both man and god. An individual who showed true love by sacrificing his life for all of us sinners. That’s what love was, right? Setting aside self for the greater good…
Jesus loved the outcasts. He cared about the poor. He spoke up against the system. He didn’t lead fights, but Jesus challenged his communities to a different kind of living. The Jesus Way offered a level of wholesomeness and community care that we humans sometimes forget about in our press to make better lives for ourselves.
I committed my life to Jesus when I was young. And as a tween, teen, and young adult, I tried to live that commitment. One could say I was fanatical. I did everything “right.” The world was black and white with no room for any type of gray.
Years passed. Questions whispered through my brain, and I quieted them.
Fractures in my understanding of the way God worked in the world spiderwebbed through my experience. As Christians, we’re told to be representatives of God’s heart for humanity, to be responsible for sharing His good news, and to live for our someday reward in Heaven.
And what I saw and continue to see in the church is an organization claiming God and then distributing exclusivity, hate, and fear. No, not every community, but many of them. It makes me nauseous.
This behavior is justified by Christianity because “humans are sinful” and they cannot be a perfect reflection of a perfect God because humans are imperfect.
I get it.
I hurt people both purposefully and accidentally. But, I really began to hate the discordance I was seeing between the teachings of Jesus and these so-called people who followed Jesus. It sucks. It sucks to spend thirty years fanatically following an idea, claiming it as part of your identity, only to realize that this faith is doling out more hurt than help.
I’m tired of pretending that Christianity is something I want to participate in, and I say this while hoping that my dearest friends who continue to choose faith and identify as Christians will still want to be my friends. I love them. I love that they see God and Christianity as good, and I hope they can continue to be a part of the communities that love widely. I love that I see them walking faith out in an honest and real way that offers good to the world. I love listening to them share about how God is speaking to them (even if I’m not sure how I feel about God anymore).
Not all Christians are bad. I know a lot of really awesome Christians. I also know a lot of people who don’t believe in Christianity, and they’re super awesome too.
Christianity, as a monolith, has become something that seems outside of the teachings of the Bible, faith, and Jesus.
Jesus loved the least of these, and he extended his hand to the downtrodden. As someone who respects Jesus and his teachings, this means you’re meant to be a good steward of the Earth and its occupants, loving people of all types, sexualities, beliefs.
“Yes, but what about God’s justice?” Christians ask.
Well, I don’t really have answers here. I’ve finally just matured into my own load of questions, just like that human that I remember from that long-ago Sunday school class. So here’s another question, “If God’s the true Sovereign, then isn’t it God’s justice, not justice or judgment that Christians get to dole out?” Why are Christians trying to create barriers to God because He is just or holy? If He is just, then won’t He do the justice thing Himself?
Jesus loves me this I know…
Jesus loves me this I know, but only if you’re white.
Jesus loves me this I know, but only if you’re straight.
Jesus loves me this I know, but only if you never question your faith.
Jesus loves me this I know, but only if you show up to church in your Sunday best.
Jesus loves me this I know, but only if you’re sexually pure and saved yourself for marriage.
Jesus loves me this I know, but only if you’re a man.
Jesus loves me this I know, but only if you followin his way and submit any personal preferences to the greater whole.
Jesus loves me this I know, but only if you’re a Republican.
Jesus loves me this I know, but only if you repent of all your sins and try to live a perfect life.
Jesus loves me this I know, but does he?
Jesus, the man who called out the Jewish leadership of his time, knew something about religious organizations that lost sight of God’s heart for humanity. Is it possible that the American Evangelical church (and others) have done the same as well?
So what does it really look like to “live like Jesus”? Love God. Love people.
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