Sitting here, stuffing my face with some sort of salad (I dumped salsa on top if that means anything to you), I’m trying to think up a brilliant blog post. What have I been learning? Thinking? Eating? Reading? Traveling?
I know these things should be coherent with one point. But, I’m feeling a ramble.
But, I’ll start with the point. Trust. Trust is hard. Trusting myself is REALLY hard, and trusting other people is REALLY REALLY FREAKING HARD. Raise your hand if you feel me. Raise it higher. I can’t see it. Hahah.
When I started doing the aerial arts (or what I fondly just call “circus”), I had no idea how it would shove me into my most uncomfortable spots (and we’re not just talking the physical bruises and silk burns). Basically, it tangles down to every week learning a new, difficult trick where I don’t know if (1) I can even do the thing, (2) suck in my fear and try the thing, and (3) do it again.
Afraid of heights, but still dangling two of myselves up from the ground.
Never having been athletic, but now trying tricks that defy gravity and stretch every muscle but my reading muscles.
Always living my head space, but now having to inhabit my body in physical way.
Leg strong, but choosing an activity that requires upper body strength.
WHY DID I CHOOSE CIRCUS if it is such a struggle? The simple answer is I love it. I love the combination of grace, strength, and musicality.
I love that it forces me to struggle. I love that it takes me out of my head space and forces me to physically inhabit the world. I love that every class asks me, “Barbara, do you trust your ability to execute this trick?” And I have to answer, “Yes, I trust my ability to try with everything I’ve got.”
Do you know that tension? That tension of doing something that tests you to the deepest thread of self? It’s uncomfortable, but it’s good. That deep good.
More recently, I’ve begun to play with partner tricks on an apparatus.
Just when I thought I was figuring out how to trust myself…suddenly, I have to trust myself to trust someone else with the weight of me. Sure, I’m actively participating in holding my weight too (most of the time).
But it’s hard.
The last time I was cool with someone carrying me and perfectly trusting of it was surely when I was under five years old. We grow up. We’ve been dropped a few times, whether it was our fault or someone else’s. I’ve learned the bruise of the ground.
I don’t know if trust is natural.
But what I’m saying is that we can learn to trust. It’s another muscle that needs to be actively worked. Learn to trust ourselves. Learn to trust others. And sure, there might be a tumble or two in the mix, but you gotta keep trying.
What activity forces you into tension? Maybe it’s not trust for you, maybe it’s something else. But how does your physicality mesh with your emotional and intellectual world?
Leave a Reply