I have the worst luck with toilets.
Don’t invite me over for dinner or breakfast or at all because I will surely use your toilet and then immediately be requesting your friendly plunger. Toilets and I have a special relationship, you see. I think they’re grand, and they aren’t so keen.
I wonder if a toilet sees me coming and says to itself, “Oh, Here she comes. Let’s not flush correctly.”
It’s horrid really.
In almost every country and bathroom I’ve visited, the toilets have taken a distinct dislike of me. I’m not sure what makes me different than all the other human beings (maybe toilets want their 10 minutes of fame at the tip of my pen), but regardless, we have some issues.
From the Dominican Republic to Germany, I’ve discarded my dignity and have begged toilets to just flush already.
“Please go down. Please.” It’s tiring to cajole the porcelain chair to like me when it always treats everyone else with such bored acceptance.
The Dominican Republic Toilet
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Toilets are different in their manners everywhere. The Dominican Republic toilets often dried up; oh you wanted to flush? Lo siento.
The German Toilet
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The German toilets specialize in poop smears with their perfect poop platform. It’s ideal for a poop instagram account and if you are particularly interested in your bowel movements.
The Japanese Toilet
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I’ve yet to meet a Japanese toilet, but I hear they are especially well-mannered and offer many options for bum hygiene. Squatty potties are probably the most rude of the collection; however, one thing you know is that there will be no begging of it to flush. Small blessings, right?
It is a truth universally known that a porcelain toilet must be in want of a girl to antagonize. So nice of Jane Austen to acknowledge the cruel injustice of good toilets and nicer girls.
And with that final thought I leave you to a world of toilets that will inevitably clog the first time you visit your boyfriend’s apartment or your mother-in-law’s special brunch.
Hint: Hold it until you can visit a neutral location or book it to the nearest gas station. Happy bathrooming!
What About You?
Do you have toilet issues too? If you’ve written such a story on your own blog, leave a link!